Tuesday, May 22, 2012

In Honor of Pax

As time has passed I have found it somewhat comforting as people have reached out and asked to do things in honor of Paxten.  And when you have lost a child, there is not much comfort to be found so I am thankful for this and I am thankful for those who have been touched enough by her life to want to do something about it.  We currently have 2 ladies who are running with Team In Training and they are doing so in Paxten's honor.  There are probably more out there and I am forgetting them, so I apologize.  The first is Jeanine Long, the sister of a very dear friend of ours.  Here is her website if you would like to follow her progress: http://pages.teamintraining.org/ks/rnr12/longjeanine#Reality-Check.  The other is Hillary Kreutzer and she is married to the brother of another dear friend, her story can be found here: http://poundingdownthepounds.blogspot.com/.  Knowing how much Paxten's fight is motivating them not only to run, but to take the time to raise money for research is just such a blessing to my heart.  So,thank you ladies for sacrificing and for doing it in honor of our precious little bug.  Also, a gal named Codi Gill who is from the Jersey Shore (she promises me it is nothing like the reality show) has been incredibly supportive of us and I have never even met her.  Well, they held a bone marrow drive recently and this is what she had to say:
"So- we had an awesome response to our bone marrow and education drive.... 329 participants.... Hoping to find a match for three local little ones, all in honor of Miss Pax... Also hoping for a match for a 42 year old father of three and a local 17 year old. The drive was so successful, we are going to duplicate this summer at the make a wish 5K- where there are already over 1200 runners registered. We are on a mission- and I look at Pax's pic every day to remind me how very important all of this is. ...Hope you are experiencing peaceful days.... Still thinking of you guys every day. I can't tell you what an impact your daughter has had on so many people. Her cuteness created a love at first sight! Thank you for sharing her so we could be inspired to help others."
Just wonderful!!

I experienced this motivation myself as I went for a jog last week.  I was only able to make it just short of 2 miles one day before my knees started hurting (I know I sound like an old lady, right?).  But the next jog I took I was just thinking of Paxten and all she faced in her 2 short years and how, even though the odds were against her from the beginning you never would have known it.  She did everything with a smile on her face and in so doing brought a smile to the face of nearly everyone who had the pleasure of knowing her.  As I thought about this and thought about the fight within her it pushed me to run one more lap, one more mile.  So thank you baby girl for the legacy you have left us.  Your life continues to touch others because the Lord takes what is meant for evil and uses it for good because he is so awesome like that.

Though days can still be so difficult I know that I was left here for a reason.  God still has a plan for me and for my life and it honors him and the life of Paxten to seek out his will and live this life fully despite the constant pain.  I won't let this suffering be wasted because God empowered me through his Holy Spirit to do more than simply endure. This song brings my heart such joy and so I want to share it with you all so that it might bring your heart some peace as it does mine: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9woerGYcsVU .  The song was written after Steven Curtis Chapman and his wife lost their youngest daughter in a tragic accident.  It's just a long way home....but we're gonna make it.

Thursday, May 3, 2012

3 months

3 months.  It has now been over 3 months since we last held our little bug and watched her take her last breaths before entering the presence of Christ.  Has it really been that long already?  Or wait, has it really only been three months?  It feels like an eternity to ache for someone this much yet it feels like I was just in that room yesterday.  I can still remember the sounds and beeps of the machines, the smell of the antiseptics, the feel of my girls little toes.  Yet, I sometimes feel like I can't remember anything about her, like she was just a beautiful dream that I was quickly woken from.  Woken to a life that isn't nearly as full as it once was.  I was a stay at home wife and mother and now I am just a stay at home wife and this fills my heart with such sorrow.  This new house we built holds no memories of Pax as she never got to walk through the finished product, she never got to see the beautiful room built just for her.  I never got to hear the patter of her little size 4 feet making their way across our kitchen floor, never got to clean up messes made by her perfect little hands.  No, my house is much too clean.  That in itself is painful, but who knows, it may have been infinitely more painful to be faced with memories every where I would have turned in our old house. 

It has also been 3 months since I have written any sort of blog entry.  I guess I sort of went into hiding, and I felt like my inspiration for writing was no longer here so what was the point?  Our life, our sweet daugther's life, our family's journey, pain and grief was all so public, and I wanted a chance to cry in private.  I have been able to mourn and grieve in private and I am thankful for that.  There is nothing pretty about mourning, nothing pretty about the sobs that make their way from your throat and the tears that stain your face, the pain that makes you drop to your knees for fear of falling over.  The only thing beautiful about it is my absolutely desperate need to cling to my savior, or maybe that's the other way around.  He is clinging to me.   And thank goodness for that.  My need for constant prayer and the truth of God's word is so much more obvious and I pray that doesn't fade.

Though many days seem unbearably difficult I am yet filled with joy because of God's promises in his word.  At times I have taken so many of these promises for granted, but I am so thankful my eyes have been opened to these truths.  He will give beauty for ashes and gladness for mourning.  And the days that I focus on Jesus and his faithfulness rather than myself and my pain, those days are much more bearable.  Because, really its not about us anyways.

Paxten, mommy and daddy love you so much and miss you with all that we have. We were so priveleged to be called your parents and the short life you lived was such a gift that we thank God for. We have the hope of seeing you again because of the good news Jesus brought us. Oh what a day that will be.

1 Peter 5:10 says - And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.

Oh what a comfort.