3 months

3 months.  It has now been over 3 months since we last held our little bug and watched her take her last breaths before entering the presence of Christ.  Has it really been that long already?  Or wait, has it really only been three months?  It feels like an eternity to ache for someone this much yet it feels like I was just in that room yesterday.  I can still remember the sounds and beeps of the machines, the smell of the antiseptics, the feel of my girls little toes.  Yet, I sometimes feel like I can't remember anything about her, like she was just a beautiful dream that I was quickly woken from.  Woken to a life that isn't nearly as full as it once was.  I was a stay at home wife and mother and now I am just a stay at home wife and this fills my heart with such sorrow.  This new house we built holds no memories of Pax as she never got to walk through the finished product, she never got to see the beautiful room built just for her.  I never got to hear the patter of her little size 4 feet making their way across our kitchen floor, never got to clean up messes made by her perfect little hands.  No, my house is much too clean.  That in itself is painful, but who knows, it may have been infinitely more painful to be faced with memories every where I would have turned in our old house. 

It has also been 3 months since I have written any sort of blog entry.  I guess I sort of went into hiding, and I felt like my inspiration for writing was no longer here so what was the point?  Our life, our sweet daugther's life, our family's journey, pain and grief was all so public, and I wanted a chance to cry in private.  I have been able to mourn and grieve in private and I am thankful for that.  There is nothing pretty about mourning, nothing pretty about the sobs that make their way from your throat and the tears that stain your face, the pain that makes you drop to your knees for fear of falling over.  The only thing beautiful about it is my absolutely desperate need to cling to my savior, or maybe that's the other way around.  He is clinging to me.   And thank goodness for that.  My need for constant prayer and the truth of God's word is so much more obvious and I pray that doesn't fade.

Though many days seem unbearably difficult I am yet filled with joy because of God's promises in his word.  At times I have taken so many of these promises for granted, but I am so thankful my eyes have been opened to these truths.  He will give beauty for ashes and gladness for mourning.  And the days that I focus on Jesus and his faithfulness rather than myself and my pain, those days are much more bearable.  Because, really its not about us anyways.

Paxten, mommy and daddy love you so much and miss you with all that we have. We were so priveleged to be called your parents and the short life you lived was such a gift that we thank God for. We have the hope of seeing you again because of the good news Jesus brought us. Oh what a day that will be.

1 Peter 5:10 says - And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.

Oh what a comfort.