Thursday, May 3, 2012

3 months

3 months.  It has now been over 3 months since we last held our little bug and watched her take her last breaths before entering the presence of Christ.  Has it really been that long already?  Or wait, has it really only been three months?  It feels like an eternity to ache for someone this much yet it feels like I was just in that room yesterday.  I can still remember the sounds and beeps of the machines, the smell of the antiseptics, the feel of my girls little toes.  Yet, I sometimes feel like I can't remember anything about her, like she was just a beautiful dream that I was quickly woken from.  Woken to a life that isn't nearly as full as it once was.  I was a stay at home wife and mother and now I am just a stay at home wife and this fills my heart with such sorrow.  This new house we built holds no memories of Pax as she never got to walk through the finished product, she never got to see the beautiful room built just for her.  I never got to hear the patter of her little size 4 feet making their way across our kitchen floor, never got to clean up messes made by her perfect little hands.  No, my house is much too clean.  That in itself is painful, but who knows, it may have been infinitely more painful to be faced with memories every where I would have turned in our old house. 

It has also been 3 months since I have written any sort of blog entry.  I guess I sort of went into hiding, and I felt like my inspiration for writing was no longer here so what was the point?  Our life, our sweet daugther's life, our family's journey, pain and grief was all so public, and I wanted a chance to cry in private.  I have been able to mourn and grieve in private and I am thankful for that.  There is nothing pretty about mourning, nothing pretty about the sobs that make their way from your throat and the tears that stain your face, the pain that makes you drop to your knees for fear of falling over.  The only thing beautiful about it is my absolutely desperate need to cling to my savior, or maybe that's the other way around.  He is clinging to me.   And thank goodness for that.  My need for constant prayer and the truth of God's word is so much more obvious and I pray that doesn't fade.

Though many days seem unbearably difficult I am yet filled with joy because of God's promises in his word.  At times I have taken so many of these promises for granted, but I am so thankful my eyes have been opened to these truths.  He will give beauty for ashes and gladness for mourning.  And the days that I focus on Jesus and his faithfulness rather than myself and my pain, those days are much more bearable.  Because, really its not about us anyways.

Paxten, mommy and daddy love you so much and miss you with all that we have. We were so priveleged to be called your parents and the short life you lived was such a gift that we thank God for. We have the hope of seeing you again because of the good news Jesus brought us. Oh what a day that will be.

1 Peter 5:10 says - And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.

Oh what a comfort.


  1. Absolutely beautiful Libby. There is not a day that passes that I don't think of your amazing little angel and also you and Blake. I feel so very blessed to have met Pax, even if it was just for a moment. God bless you all and may He continue to be your love, support and guidance through everything.

  2. That was very beautiful. I know that we have never met & I didn't know about Pax & you until the last few months of her live. I cried when she passed away, I cried for you & Blake, & I cried for the beautiful life that left this world to become a beautiful little Angel in heaven. I think of her often because i got one the tattoos for her on my leg. And when people ask me what that tattoo means, I tell them about her. Even my 4 year old knows who that tattoo that me & my Mom both have are for. Please keep your faith in God & remembet one day you will hold her in your arms again.

  3. Libby, your beautiful words made me cry. I think of you all every day - it seems like there are reminders of Paxten everywhere. And it never ceases to amaze me just how many lives she touched, even among those who never had the privilege of meeting her. Just the other day when my 3-year-old niece's fish passed away, my niece asked my sister if Paxten would take care of her fishy for her in Heaven. I have a feeling that Paxten is just as big of a rock star there as she was here on earth! Such a precious little girl. We love and miss you Pax!

    The Museousky bunch

  4. That was sound like you are on the right path through your faith. I know u don't know me but I have followed your daughters story for awhile and you guys have touched me by your faith and remind me of how precious life really is. I feel my faith has been made stronger by reading your story. I pray that God continues to heal your pain and blesses your family.

  5. Oh Libby
    You are my hero, my role model. I.hope I am just a part of the mother to my boys that you are to Pax. You are amazing. Your words are beautiful and your heart and soul are so amazingly loving and strong. We love you three and we are so glad to have you so close. We are sad for you daily but so inspired and lifted up by your example. We are here to help carry your pain and celebrate Pax and the memories. You cannot carry the burden alone and no one expects you to put on a brave front, let us help you and Blake. Our door is open day or night. We love you all. P4P

  6. As I sit here and cry I realize that I have over and over taken my children for granted. It hasn't been fair to them the way that I have treated them from time to time. They are a gift and I don't have any idea how long I will have them. Thank you Libby for time after time opening my eyes and making me see how precious they are and that I need to enjoy every moment I have with them. good or bad. My 4 year old daughter has not let a day go by that she has not prayed for sweet Paxten these last 3 months. I have been lucky enough to hear every one of those prayers. Hugs Libby. You are such an inspiration ~ Melissa

  7. Libby,
    Once again, you have opened up your heart for the whole world to see. Complete strangers that have never even met you, such as myself. Your words have an amazing way of changing people and their lives. Changing them in ways that you wouldn't think possible. This was Paxten's destiny...this is the reason that God put that beautiful little girl in your arms, only to take her away as fast as he put her here. Now it is your live on and live life through him. Your words have a way of giving hope to people that don't quite understand. It proves that our Lord and Savior will take care of us in our time of need. Not a day goes by that I don't think about your sweet baby and cry a tear or two. Heaven is so lucky to be in the presence of such a beautiful, smart, and inspirational little angel. I pray that He continues to heal your heart. God Bless.

  8. I am a friend of Jeanine and Janelle Tittsworth...... I have prayed for you through the painful journey and just wanted you to know I will continue to pray for peace and happiness in your hearts!:) Paxten was such a sweetheart.... and continues to teach us so much! Please take care always!

  9. Thanks for blogging..... I still think about you every single day, and I have never even met you. Your little Paxten really did make a huge impact on so many. Every time I feel like whining about my kids, I think of you - and Pax's little face flashes through my mind. You are truly amazing, Libby - by force. No one should have to be so amazing. No one should have to feel the pain that you must feel... Again, I think of you every day and I pray for peace.